How I Learnt to Free Myself from Other People’s Opinions (and 8 Things I Do to Practice Self-love)
Photography by: Deion Teo
My friends know me as someone who takes no nonsense, is straightforward, and is honest. Standing in my truth and being confident in my decisions, I may even seem irresponsible to some watching from a distance.
Out of curiosity, my flatmate recently asked, “How do you not care about what other people think and just go for what you want?”. I looked at her with a smile on my face, sensing that she was hoping for a step-by-step guide or a book recommendation, I said, “I guess I was born like this? It’s not like I did something to stop caring intentionally. I just don’t.” She wanted to be free of judgment and become less of a people-pleaser.
Friends and acquaintances think that I am courageous for pursuing my passions and interests without fear of failure or judgement, especially when my life looks nothing like a typical girl who grew up in Singapore. How have I managed to cruise about 25 years of my life not watching what other people have to say or think about me and my decisions?
Over a conversation with my business coach, I realised that it is less about me not caring what other people think but more about putting my own authentic needs, desires, and opinions first before others’.
You are thinking, “Isn’t this a completely selfish thing to do? Shouldn’t you also consider those around you and their feelings?” The thing is, I am simply meeting my needs. Most of us grew up thinking that by honouring ourselves, we are being irresponsible and inconsiderate to others. We have been conditioned to believe that being “nice” is the right thing to do, and that means self-sacrifice to please the people around us, making them happy and ourselves silently unhappy. In turn, we get love and recognition from them. Some of us have accepted that that’s just the way life is and think that happiness is to be found outside of ourselves.
We need to be careful to not confuse “self-love” and “not caring about others” together. Self-love is simply the act of honouring yourself, which has nothing to do with other people. You can honour yourself and still care for the well-being of those around you - these are not mutually exclusive. Only when you have filled your cup can you overflow into the cups of others with love, authenticity, and joy. That is the only sustainable and authentic way to go about it. Nothing is selfish about meeting your own needs and putting yourself first before attending to others. To serve others from your highest and most authentic self, you must listen to yourself first.
Embracing my needs has helped me understand and begin the journey of healing my inner child. On this journey, I see why things happen, how they happen, and why people act the way they do, even if it harms themselves or others. It is only through this understanding that I can hold compassion and see that people’s opinions are simply a projection of their fears and doubts and are, most of the time, not their authentic truth either. So I learnt that I don’t have to take on other people’s fears and make them mine.
So I often ask, “What do I need to fill my cup right now?”
Here is a list of things that I give myself unapologetically and abundantly:
3-hour afternoon naps whenever I need them
Uninterrupted me-time for winding down every single night
At least one day off on a weekday
Politely saying “No” to social gatherings that I have no interest in being a part of
Doing things my way, even if there is a “quicker” or “proven” way to do it
Enforcing a “no-discount” rule for my services
Spending a little extra on things I value (comfortable bed, nutritious food and premium treats for me and my dog, doggy daycare)
Spending less or none at all on things that I do not value (Starbucks, overpriced clothes, items built on hype and trend - Supreme bricks?)
When you attend to yourself first, you are actively freeing yourself from the noise and pressure surrounding you. And as my therapist said, “what is best for you will never be harmful to others.”
Since you are reading this, I am sure that, like my flatmate, you want to free yourself from other people’s opinions on what you should do, what you should wear, what you should say or not say, and the list goes on... It would be best if you began with honouring yourself. Here’s my question for you: What are three small and simple things you can do to honour yourself in the next seven days?
We always have the best intentions to change our lives for the better, and especially at the start of a new year, with the adrenaline rush and fireworks, we end up setting big goals and resolutions. While there is nothing wrong with that, I always find it most sustainable and life-changing to intentionally implement small, simple, and easily actionable steps.
List 1 way you can honour yourself in the next seven days for each of these sub-questions:
How can I better honour myself at work (with my colleagues or clients)?
How can I better honour myself in my relationship with a specific person?
How can I better honour myself at home?
Think about the time, space and type of support you need so you can serve from your highest self. Share your answers with me on Instagram or send me an email. I want to know!
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